Monday, January 7, 2013

Guilty Pleasure

This morning I was writing in my journal that I started when Nadia was 10 weeks old. Every couple of weeks I write things that we are doing, progress each child has made, where we have been, holiday events, milestones, things that I am excited about or things that have been bothering me. This morning I found a few extra minutes to write and reflect. I wrote about starting school back up after a 3 week break for the holidays, Nadia and I were both refreshed and ready to dive back in. I wrote how Ivy has been making progress with her speech classes and her artwork is really amazing me lately. And how Alida is our happy baby who makes every moment full of love and excitement as we watch her grow and teach us about simple pleasures. Drew constantly reminds me how my obsession with our Alida brings him great joy and someday we hope our girls appreciate having me as their momma. And then I wrote about Ella. How our life would not be complete without her. She is a huge piece to our puzzle and she is forever alive in our hearts. As I thought about the last year and where we are today I started to feel guilty. Guilty because I absolutely love my life, I wouldn't change it for the world. And guilty because I know that the loss of a child has left many mothers sad and troubled for the rest of their days. I am not one of those mothers. I love where I am at. I love being able to stay home and raise my girls, take care of my home and serve my family in love. I love the road Drew and I have traveled to get to where we are, from the darkness into the light, Glory to God! And despite every gain and every loss, God has revealed Himself in the darkest of hours. I love resting in His arms and knowing He is taking good care of us (one of Nadia's school verses) and we look forward to where He will lead us next. And because we are trusting and resting I can smile at the little things, like when Nadia says to me this morning "mom I forgot to change my underwear all weekend!" and when Ivy has every book from the shelf lined up like domino's in the middle of the floor, and when I have a clingy baby who won't let me get to that huge pile of laundry. It's during these times that I can pause and laugh because there is no place else I'd rather be even if I am feeling guilty with pleasure.

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