Nadia "Mommy why are you crying?"
Ivy "Nady, she's crying because she wants to go to heaven and be with baby Ella!"
Nadia "Mom, heaven is not our home, I never want to go to heaven!!"
Ivy "Heaven IS our home!!! Right mom?!?!"
Nadia "I never want to talk about Heaven again....come Ivy, let's go play....."
This is a conversation that takes place about 3 times a day. My tears do not even always have to trigger the first question, it can be just me blowing my nose, my laughing so hard I am crying, or even crying because I am so happy about something I am thinking about or reading about. Both of my girls have dealt with Ella's passing in very different ways, but one thing is for sure, they both love Ella!! Nadia fears Heaven because no one seems to come back from there, and at this point in her life she is not ready to be open to talking about it, and we do not force it. Ivy on the other hand looooves to talk about Ella in Heaven and how she can't wait to go there and be with her. When we talk of future babies they both used to say they wanted another baby Ella, now Nadia is convinced baby girls "have to go away from us." Ivy wanted a boy before Ella, now she wants both, but if it's a boy "we have to go to the store because we only have one batman, we need more boy toys." They are both so very different and process everything in their own, very unique ways. I am grateful that they have had each other through all of this, and someday I'll tell them how grateful we are to have had them to keep us going day after day. I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.