Monday, January 30, 2012

Ella was a girl!

As of last week the girls are convinced that Ella was a boy! It is funny, sorta, but from their perspective they have it all figured out. They think Ella was a boy because "only boy babies get taken away and girl babies get to stay." As I try to put myself inside their little brains I find lots of good theorys and philosophys, however none of them are the truth. They use the phrase "taken away" a lot too. I think that they believe that when I finally was "ready" to hand my baby Ella over to the funeral home guy Harold, who waited so patiently outside our home on that very cold early morning, that they think she was "taken away." That sounds great in theory, but she was gone long before that. Last month I attended calling hours and a funeral for a close family  member and my sister and I saw Harold. I felt a strange, indescribable, connection to him. I felt the urge to  say  hello. I am sure he sees lots of faces and we convinced ourselves we would catch him off guard. He shared a very intimate moment of my life with me and my family that morning. I don't know if I wanted to thank him, or apologize for  getting him out of his warm bed to come wait outside my home in the cold while we  prepared ourselves for letting go of our baby's lifeless body. I really don't  know what I would have said. I still find it hard to murmer the words that no mother ever wants to get comfortable saying. However, she is more ALIVE than I can even imagine right now!

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